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For Shame America: 'Call Me Maybe' Goes #1

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Music is a matter of taste, I try to understand and accept this. If you are banging to some Wakka Flakka Flame or Rihanna singing about banging some dude, thats fine with me. People tend to have a lot of stress and music is one of those few things that bring solace into someone's empty life. A lot of my friends hate the music I listen to but they don't give me crap about it, and vice versa.


With anything though, I have my limits. Carly Rae Jepsen scored a number 1 hit with her single "Call me Maybe". If you haven't heard the song, you can subject yourself to it here or turn any radio on right this second and channel through the  stations. It will be playing, trust me.


I listen to the radio a lot, and its not cause I like the music on it cause almost universally I loathe it. Most songs come on, whether its Nikki Minaj, Katy Perry, Maroon 5 and I go "This song sucks but whatever". I don't like these artist but I get why people listen to  them. They got hooks that I can tell are appealing to the general public and while its not my thing I'm accepting of it. Again, its a matter of taste.


However, the first time I heard this song in my car I was yelling "Who would listen to this?". I went to a state of road rage but as with all songs I give them one full listen. I sat through that whole song and afterwards, I felt like my mind had been Audibly raped by the stylings of this Canadian pop star. 


That was about a month ago. I thought that it would be an easily avoidable song that would maybe make a dent in the top 20 and then she would fade into obscurity. I would gain back my faith in humanity a little and with a clear mind go be a productive member of society. 


Well...that didn't exactly happen. The song is not just a hit, but a #1 cultural phenomenon. This will be something that pop culture shows will talk about ten years from now, talking about "Remember the summer of 'Call me Maybe'? That was such a catchy tune!". Also, its almost a given that this song will be the hit of the summer. 


So why do I hate this song so much. Why is it that this song has not just made me lose faith in music but of American judgement as a whole? I have decided to compile a list of issues below, if you disagree with any of these please feel free to comment.


- Let's get the obvious one out of the way and call a spade a spade. The song is garbage. Its not just garbage though, its safe garbage. The composition of the song is generic to the point of being offensive. Whenever I hear this song it sounds like something that would be played by a fake band in one of those tween Disney shows like 'Suite Life with Zack and Cody'. Actually, I'd rather listen to the fake band in the 90's classic California Dreams than Carly Rae Jepsen.


- The lyrics and the message of this song are abhorrent. You may be saying "Oh this is a playful little diddy, calm down", but let me give my case. Lets just look at the verse:
Hey, I just met you,
and this is crazy,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?
Now I will present the some lyrics with a response to each line:
Hey, I just met you, "Yep"
and this is crazy, "What's crazy?"
but here's my number, "Oh, uhm..."
so call me, maybe? "I don't know you at all"
Some thoughts I'd have after this bizarre interaction would be:
"That was weird. What's wrong with her."
"She is probably just really into me, but why did she say maybe? Is she in Junior High? I already know you like me because you gave me your number and you don't even know me."
"She is probably psychotic, that's it. 
"Maybe that means she'll do anal."
"Why is she looking at me strange? Oh its because I'm saying all of this out loud."

- This is being played on adult contemporary stations. I'm not blaming this on Carly Rae, but it really exemplifies the immaturity generation X. How does any adult in their forties listen to this girl's song go "What a catchy and relatible tune!"? If this is relatible to you than I would describe your mental development as stunted.
I truly feel bad for an adult, recently divorced, going to a bar and meeting an older also divorced woman, and getting this. If I was that man I would promptly go into the bathroom and drowned myself in the toilet. 


- Colin Powell,a decorated war criminal hero, using the song to pander on the CBS Early Show. I know you backed off of your opposition to go to Iraq, but I may have to say that this is actually the most disgraceful thing you've ever done.


- Hey you know what isn't funny? Taking various audio clips of Barack Obama and editing it so he is singing "Call me Maybe". When I see these videos I don't think its funny, I think its sad. To imagine that some sperg sat through dozens of hours of Obama stump speeches to make our president sing this trash is almost the most depressing thing I can imagine. No, actually the fact that the video has over 12 million views is worse.


Sometimes the advice is given that you just need to let out your anger. I gotta say, this has been therapeutic. I think I can now go on with my day without having thoughts on how end my life. Now all I need to do is avoid any mention of this song and I should be able to keep a level head. Yep, that should be easy.